New Rules for Pub-goers

Suddenly, I wish I could introduce legislation and push it through Parliament. I went out tonight, just around one of the local villages, and I was appalled by some of the things I saw. Forget about debates about relaxing pub hours or whether smoking should be banned in pubs. I would concentrate on things that were a little more basic, like decency, taste and manners.

It's amazing how many of these things I've noticed before, but tonight I was designated driver and stuck to Diet Pepsi. Perhaps that's the reason the things I've noticed in the past actually stayed with me long after I got into the car and drove home. So here we go:

1. Girls, if you're going to wear hip-hugging skin-tight skirts or jeans, please make sure your jelly bellies are tucked into your clothing. It is not attractive to see wobbly bits hanging over the edge, bobbing up and down while you dance. I have these wobbly bits, just like you, and you don't see me exposing them. Oh, and if you insist on wearing the hip-hugging skin-tight skirts or jeans, it's even less attractive to see your knickers hanging out the back.

2. If you're young (let's qualify that as under 25) and are considered to be handsome/beautiful, it does not give you carte blanche to treat everyone over the age of 30 who is of average appearance like dirt. If you slosh my Diet Pepsi down the front of my new white top while trying to stick your tits out and show some poor bloke that your talents are contained entirely in your bra, at least apologise to me. Just because I'm over 30 and of average appearance does not mean I am not worthy. And remember, you might not believe it now, but one day you will be my age and your looks will be a distant memory.

3. Being drunk does not make you excel at dancing or karaoke. It makes you clumsy on the dance floor (leading to bruises on my feet), and it makes you even more tone deaf (leading to me cringing at every sour note you sing).

4. Big tits do not give you the right of way when negotiating your way through crowded pubs. This is a ploy used mainly by women over 40 to draw attention to themselves. If I wished I had big tits, I would probably feel inadequate, but I'm very satisfied with my 36Cs, and I find that saying "Sorry" or "Pardon me" gets me through a crowd without trying to poke someone's eyes out.

5. Drunk to the point of spewing all over the floor/pavement is not attractive. I won't elaborate any further. I know I have been guilty of this in the past myself, so I speak from experience, both as the spew-ee and the one witnessing the spewing.

I'm supposed to go out next Sunday to the same village, only not as the designated driver. However, it might be worth it to volunteer to do it again, not only to keep the alcohol from turning me into one of the idiots amongst pubs full of idiots, but so I can continue my observations into the typical English lager lout. And lout-ess.