How to Tell If Your Next-Door Neighbour is a Witch
One of my friends on MySpace posted this a couple of days ago, and I thought it was funny, so I decided to re-post it here ... with my own commentary, of course!
How To Tell If Your Next-Door Neighbour is a Witch
By Andie Gilmour
Fifty sure-fire ways to detect paganism without having to resort to a dunking stool or wart-inspection.
1) Never puts any rubbish out on refuse-collection day. I mean, re-cycling and composting is fine, but you can take it too far. Okay, I'm working on recycling and have the perfect place for a compost heap in my big back garden ...
2) You casually ask what phase the moon is in, and she tells you down to the exact number of days, hour and minute of rising, position on horizon, and current angle of declination. I have a lunar calendar on my MySpace profile!
3) All the stray cats in the neighbourhood tend to congregate in her garden
(and use your own as their litter). I was wondering why there were so many cats hanging around my house!
4) A screech owl has chosen the lamp-post outside her house as its favorite calling-post. That's just when it's getting warm at night and you like to sleep with the window open. Okay, I've yet to see an owl in the wild ... even in the wilds of Chesterfield!
5) Doesn't cut down the weeds in her garden; in fact it looks more like she's cultivating them. Needless to say, you get the seeds wafting over onto your pristine lawn. I don't have a lawn mower yet! The weeds are just biding their time!
6) Most of her clothes on the washing line are black. Nah, I prefer to be a bit more colourful. Even the robes I have picked out are blue!
7) The local kids talk in whispers as they go past her house, then start running at the last moment. The kids in the neighbourhood like talking to me because they think I have a funny accent!
8) Nobody trick-or-treats her house; not after the incident when the kids' costumes were less scary than hers when she opened the door to them. (She was embracing the Crone that year no doubt!) I ran out of candy this year, but I think Malorie may have been eating more than she handed out!
9) Footprints on the roof. And the trees in her flight-path have been pruned down. I swear it's true! Footprints from Santa's reindeer? Oh, from take offs and landings on brooms! I haven't made my broomstick fly ... yet ...
10) She can't even make a simple sandwich without adding fresh herbs to it. And don't ask her for a cup of tea unless you want something yellow coloured and smelling of flowers. I still prefer Mexican food or a nice Indian (though I have the perfect spot for an herb garden when I can finally get out there and do some planting), and I tend to drink Pepsi, even if it is flavoured with a bit of amaretto when I don't have to drive anywhere!
11) She hardly ever gets junk mail. You ask her what her secret is and she confides that she returns it to sender after writing something on in strange curly writing. Is that how it works????? Damn, I was just recycling the crap!
12) When you pop next door for a chat, the kettle is always already on. Usually only because I get a message from my ex-husband saying "Put the kettle on, bint!"
13) The Jehovah's Witnesses never call (not anymore; not after the last time! :-). Oh I'm just waiting for them to show up and start making the sign of the cross at me!
14) Keeps the local scented-candle shop solvent. Buy scented candles? Hell, I'm about to start my candle making business back up again! And I'm my best customer!
15) Has a pond full of frogs (and you haven't seen that bothersome double-glazing salesman around for a while). I don't need double-glazing salesmen, I live in a council house. As for the pond, I have a big puddle of mud in the front garden where they had the skip when they were putting in my new kitchen, but that's it.
16) She's always smiling, darn her! Life is good!
17) She goes dressed as normal to a Hallowe'en fancy dress party; and wins first prize. Maybe next year, you never know ... though I did go as a witch to a Halloween party this year ...
18) Her house always smells of incense. Too true! I love the stuff!
19) Has named her four cats Beelzebub, Kali, Diana, and Moonbeam. (Or her rats Devon and Cornwall). I don't have a cat, but those are pretty good names, come to think of it! And the closest thing to a rat I've ever had was guinea pigs.
20) Her bumper sticker reads "I brake for toads". Where can I get one? Plenty of men in Chesterfield I prefer to think of as toads, and I suppose I should brake for them too!
21) Frequently gets raided by the drug squad who confiscate large amounts of dried green leaves; they always return them with apologies after analysis. Nah, the only dried leaves I have are herbs, dammit!
22) At Christmas, it seems like half the garden has been moved into the house. I'm going to try anyway!
23) You sometimes hear the sound of singing and dancing through the wall. If you look out of the window, it is usually a full moon. I haven't quite gotten into singing and dancing during ceremonies, but there's still time since I'm fairly new to this!
24) She was given a bodhram drum for her birthday. And she plays it at midnight in the fields. And she's got a blasted tamborine. I didn't know I was a pagan at February so no drums. I thought I was just weird back then ...
25) You discover that her realistic resin skull ornament in her living room, actually is real. I have a candle shaped like a skull but no ornaments ... real or otherwise ...
26) You catch her washing a crystal ball along with the dishes. Haven't bought one of those yet, though I do have two glass balls I bought at IKEA!
27) She wears a lot of silver jewelry, even when doing the gardening. And bat ear-rings for goodness-sake. I did buy a pentacle ring and necklace at Witchfest that I tend to wear most of the time.
28) You knock on her door and she answers it naked except for a toweling robe. You apologize for disturbing her in the bath, but notice that her hair isn't wet. If I'm busy during anything witchy, I don't answer the door, naked or dressed!
29) Irritating tendency to hum a lot. What's she got to be so happy about, huh? Life?
30) She has a tame robin that will eat from her hand in the garden. That can't be natural. Wrong season to go looking for robins, I think! I don't know much about birds.
31) Never catches a cold, even though she walks barefoot most of the time. In the snow as well. I do walk barefoot a lot, but I had a rotten cold about a month ago.
32) Doesn't kill spiders. Not even big hairy long-legged ones that suddenly appear from the waste-pipe whilst you're having a bath. I prefer the catch and release method to killing them. Except the one in the kitchen. I kinda like him so I've left him alone.
33) She listens to what you are saying like she really cares. And I do!
34) She has lots of female friends who come round every few months. When you ask what they get up to, she tells you that they just have cakes and ale and a good natter. No, I'm a solitary so any friends who come round for cakes and ale are actually coming round for cakes and ale!
35) You catch her hugging a tree. As if I'd let anyone see me ... On this estate?
36) Her dinner-set is decorated with Celtic patterns. Where can I get one of those? IKEA doesn't seem to have them in stock!
37) She has a mail-order account with a semi-precious gem wholesaler. I found a shop in town where I can pick them up so don't need to mail-order.
38) You notice that the parish priest crosses himself whenever he walks past her house. What would Father William make of me ... LMAO
39) She never watches television. And she has shelves full of books with black spines and silver-lettered titles. Oh I watch plenty of telly! CSI, all kinds of crime documentaries, motor sports, other sports, Grey's Anatomy, Friends, shall I continue?
40) To your certain knowledge she has never set foot in the local church. In fact, you have heard rumours that she has been barred from it. I have a weird story about that ... the first time I met David, we arranged to meet outside the "Crooked Spire" in town. I needed the toilet, so I thought I'd go into the church to see if they had a public loo. As soon as I set foot in the door, my mobile rang - it was David. He was running late, and I used the time to go do a bit of shopping. I walked back to the church, and as soon as I got close to it, my mobile rang again. David again, he was going to be a bit longer. SO I went to pick up a new top to go out round town in. I got back to the church, got close to it, and ... well, you can guess what happened ... I don't think I was meant to go near that church that day!
41) She makes jars of quince and mandrake relish for the Women's Institute coffee morning jumble sale. What's quince? And aren't mandrakes those things that look like babies on Harry Potter?
42) You ask to borrow a pack of cards for an impromptu bridge evening, and there are 78 in the pack. I don't have a complete set ... yet.
43) You have never known her to visit her GP. I did last week! For a new patient health check ... I passed.
44) When you talk with her, she maintains eye contact all the time. Well to do otherwise is RUDE!
45) Expectant mothers are forever visiting her. Also women who become expectant mothers a month after visiting her. OMG if any of my friends ends up pregnant they're going to blame me now!
46) You ask her for suggestions for nice walks in the area, and they all go by way of stone circles and strange earth mounds. Excellent idea! I do that in the Peak District!
47) She only buys organic. And you just bet that she's a vegetarian as well. (Well, maybe not stricly vegetarian....) I grew up in Texas. I can't give up beef. It's sacrilege!
48) When you ask her about her vacation plans, she tells you she will be camping in a tee-pee in the Brecon Beacons. I want to go to Australia! Or to any European Grand Prix ...
49) There aren't any mirrors in her house. Or clocks. Like Malorie would let me live in a house with no mirrors! And I need clocks or I'll be late for work on my first day Monday!
50) She tells you that she is coming out of the broom closet, joins Witches' Voice, and erects a stained-glass pentacle window in her front door . I want one of those in my front door!
How To Tell If Your Next-Door Neighbour is a Witch
By Andie Gilmour
Fifty sure-fire ways to detect paganism without having to resort to a dunking stool or wart-inspection.
1) Never puts any rubbish out on refuse-collection day. I mean, re-cycling and composting is fine, but you can take it too far. Okay, I'm working on recycling and have the perfect place for a compost heap in my big back garden ...
2) You casually ask what phase the moon is in, and she tells you down to the exact number of days, hour and minute of rising, position on horizon, and current angle of declination. I have a lunar calendar on my MySpace profile!
3) All the stray cats in the neighbourhood tend to congregate in her garden
(and use your own as their litter). I was wondering why there were so many cats hanging around my house!
4) A screech owl has chosen the lamp-post outside her house as its favorite calling-post. That's just when it's getting warm at night and you like to sleep with the window open. Okay, I've yet to see an owl in the wild ... even in the wilds of Chesterfield!
5) Doesn't cut down the weeds in her garden; in fact it looks more like she's cultivating them. Needless to say, you get the seeds wafting over onto your pristine lawn. I don't have a lawn mower yet! The weeds are just biding their time!
6) Most of her clothes on the washing line are black. Nah, I prefer to be a bit more colourful. Even the robes I have picked out are blue!
7) The local kids talk in whispers as they go past her house, then start running at the last moment. The kids in the neighbourhood like talking to me because they think I have a funny accent!
8) Nobody trick-or-treats her house; not after the incident when the kids' costumes were less scary than hers when she opened the door to them. (She was embracing the Crone that year no doubt!) I ran out of candy this year, but I think Malorie may have been eating more than she handed out!
9) Footprints on the roof. And the trees in her flight-path have been pruned down. I swear it's true! Footprints from Santa's reindeer? Oh, from take offs and landings on brooms! I haven't made my broomstick fly ... yet ...
10) She can't even make a simple sandwich without adding fresh herbs to it. And don't ask her for a cup of tea unless you want something yellow coloured and smelling of flowers. I still prefer Mexican food or a nice Indian (though I have the perfect spot for an herb garden when I can finally get out there and do some planting), and I tend to drink Pepsi, even if it is flavoured with a bit of amaretto when I don't have to drive anywhere!
11) She hardly ever gets junk mail. You ask her what her secret is and she confides that she returns it to sender after writing something on in strange curly writing. Is that how it works????? Damn, I was just recycling the crap!
12) When you pop next door for a chat, the kettle is always already on. Usually only because I get a message from my ex-husband saying "Put the kettle on, bint!"
13) The Jehovah's Witnesses never call (not anymore; not after the last time! :-). Oh I'm just waiting for them to show up and start making the sign of the cross at me!
14) Keeps the local scented-candle shop solvent. Buy scented candles? Hell, I'm about to start my candle making business back up again! And I'm my best customer!
15) Has a pond full of frogs (and you haven't seen that bothersome double-glazing salesman around for a while). I don't need double-glazing salesmen, I live in a council house. As for the pond, I have a big puddle of mud in the front garden where they had the skip when they were putting in my new kitchen, but that's it.
16) She's always smiling, darn her! Life is good!
17) She goes dressed as normal to a Hallowe'en fancy dress party; and wins first prize. Maybe next year, you never know ... though I did go as a witch to a Halloween party this year ...
18) Her house always smells of incense. Too true! I love the stuff!
19) Has named her four cats Beelzebub, Kali, Diana, and Moonbeam. (Or her rats Devon and Cornwall). I don't have a cat, but those are pretty good names, come to think of it! And the closest thing to a rat I've ever had was guinea pigs.
20) Her bumper sticker reads "I brake for toads". Where can I get one? Plenty of men in Chesterfield I prefer to think of as toads, and I suppose I should brake for them too!
21) Frequently gets raided by the drug squad who confiscate large amounts of dried green leaves; they always return them with apologies after analysis. Nah, the only dried leaves I have are herbs, dammit!
22) At Christmas, it seems like half the garden has been moved into the house. I'm going to try anyway!
23) You sometimes hear the sound of singing and dancing through the wall. If you look out of the window, it is usually a full moon. I haven't quite gotten into singing and dancing during ceremonies, but there's still time since I'm fairly new to this!
24) She was given a bodhram drum for her birthday. And she plays it at midnight in the fields. And she's got a blasted tamborine. I didn't know I was a pagan at February so no drums. I thought I was just weird back then ...
25) You discover that her realistic resin skull ornament in her living room, actually is real. I have a candle shaped like a skull but no ornaments ... real or otherwise ...
26) You catch her washing a crystal ball along with the dishes. Haven't bought one of those yet, though I do have two glass balls I bought at IKEA!
27) She wears a lot of silver jewelry, even when doing the gardening. And bat ear-rings for goodness-sake. I did buy a pentacle ring and necklace at Witchfest that I tend to wear most of the time.
28) You knock on her door and she answers it naked except for a toweling robe. You apologize for disturbing her in the bath, but notice that her hair isn't wet. If I'm busy during anything witchy, I don't answer the door, naked or dressed!
29) Irritating tendency to hum a lot. What's she got to be so happy about, huh? Life?
30) She has a tame robin that will eat from her hand in the garden. That can't be natural. Wrong season to go looking for robins, I think! I don't know much about birds.
31) Never catches a cold, even though she walks barefoot most of the time. In the snow as well. I do walk barefoot a lot, but I had a rotten cold about a month ago.
32) Doesn't kill spiders. Not even big hairy long-legged ones that suddenly appear from the waste-pipe whilst you're having a bath. I prefer the catch and release method to killing them. Except the one in the kitchen. I kinda like him so I've left him alone.
33) She listens to what you are saying like she really cares. And I do!
34) She has lots of female friends who come round every few months. When you ask what they get up to, she tells you that they just have cakes and ale and a good natter. No, I'm a solitary so any friends who come round for cakes and ale are actually coming round for cakes and ale!
35) You catch her hugging a tree. As if I'd let anyone see me ... On this estate?
36) Her dinner-set is decorated with Celtic patterns. Where can I get one of those? IKEA doesn't seem to have them in stock!
37) She has a mail-order account with a semi-precious gem wholesaler. I found a shop in town where I can pick them up so don't need to mail-order.
38) You notice that the parish priest crosses himself whenever he walks past her house. What would Father William make of me ... LMAO
39) She never watches television. And she has shelves full of books with black spines and silver-lettered titles. Oh I watch plenty of telly! CSI, all kinds of crime documentaries, motor sports, other sports, Grey's Anatomy, Friends, shall I continue?
40) To your certain knowledge she has never set foot in the local church. In fact, you have heard rumours that she has been barred from it. I have a weird story about that ... the first time I met David, we arranged to meet outside the "Crooked Spire" in town. I needed the toilet, so I thought I'd go into the church to see if they had a public loo. As soon as I set foot in the door, my mobile rang - it was David. He was running late, and I used the time to go do a bit of shopping. I walked back to the church, and as soon as I got close to it, my mobile rang again. David again, he was going to be a bit longer. SO I went to pick up a new top to go out round town in. I got back to the church, got close to it, and ... well, you can guess what happened ... I don't think I was meant to go near that church that day!
41) She makes jars of quince and mandrake relish for the Women's Institute coffee morning jumble sale. What's quince? And aren't mandrakes those things that look like babies on Harry Potter?
42) You ask to borrow a pack of cards for an impromptu bridge evening, and there are 78 in the pack. I don't have a complete set ... yet.
43) You have never known her to visit her GP. I did last week! For a new patient health check ... I passed.
44) When you talk with her, she maintains eye contact all the time. Well to do otherwise is RUDE!
45) Expectant mothers are forever visiting her. Also women who become expectant mothers a month after visiting her. OMG if any of my friends ends up pregnant they're going to blame me now!
46) You ask her for suggestions for nice walks in the area, and they all go by way of stone circles and strange earth mounds. Excellent idea! I do that in the Peak District!
47) She only buys organic. And you just bet that she's a vegetarian as well. (Well, maybe not stricly vegetarian....) I grew up in Texas. I can't give up beef. It's sacrilege!
48) When you ask her about her vacation plans, she tells you she will be camping in a tee-pee in the Brecon Beacons. I want to go to Australia! Or to any European Grand Prix ...
49) There aren't any mirrors in her house. Or clocks. Like Malorie would let me live in a house with no mirrors! And I need clocks or I'll be late for work on my first day Monday!
50) She tells you that she is coming out of the broom closet, joins Witches' Voice, and erects a stained-glass pentacle window in her front door . I want one of those in my front door!
posted by Melinda at 11/26/2006 01:14:00 am
4 Comments:
Omigod! After reading that, I'm now starting to wonder if I'm a witch! O.O Or if I'm slowly turning into one. :P
I'm wearing more black, the one cat I had was named Merlyn, I haven't had a cold in quite some time, I don't kill spiders either, I listen attentively when someone else is speaking, most of my friends are female (and this one at work has been pregnant twice since knowing me), I'd hug a tree!, I love Celtic patterns (even my old wedding ring had something of a Celtic pattern on it; speaking of which, I need to get rid of the damned thing), the next time I talk to my old priest he'll be crossing himself!, I never watch television (or very, very little of it, actually), I maintain eye-contact when talking to people, I've gone to buying organic foods and eat fruits and vegetables like they're going out of style and eat very little meat these days.
And there you have it. The male Garrulus witch-to-be, who will add to this list, by the way, that he has recently been found browsing and enjoying his copy of Nigel Pennick's THE PAGAN BOOK OF DAYS.
:P :D LOL
I'm sorry, Cat! When I was picturing making a "sign of the cross" in my head, I wasn't thinking of the way Catholics genuflect but instead the way people use their two forefingers to make a cross! My apologies ...
Gary, if you need any witchy tips ... LOL My old wedding ring (the one I still haven't sold because I want to flog it on eBay but can't remember what size it is!) has a Celtic pattern on it too!
There's a good article about what a witch is on the internet: http://www.witchvox.com/va/dt_va.html?a=ushi&c=teen&id=11097
Gary, if you need any witchy tips ... LOL My old wedding ring (the one I still haven't sold because I want to flog it on eBay but can't remember what size it is!) has a Celtic pattern on it too!
Witchy tips? Hmm. Can I get back to you on that? You know, I've a book or two on witchcraft in my personal library, and at least one of them includes spells, too. I've also several books on the subject in my Amazon.com wishlist. Obviously, this is all part of my fascination with religion, but if you're interested in any of those titles on my wishlist, I can put together a list of them and send them to you, so you can see if you might be interested in them. :D
There's a good article about what a witch is on the internet
Thanks for the link! :D That was a very interesting article, and I'm sure that it generated lots of responses for her, pro and con.
You know, I've been curious about this, but haven't asked before. What do the kids think of your becoming Wiccan? Do they think it weird? Are they expecting warts to sprout on your nose any day now? Do they not care? Are they wanting their own brooms to ride on? Do they want to go to Hogwarts now? :P
Seriously, though, (all kidding aside) I'm just curious.
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